(e)Book –What my bones know

(e)Book –What my bones know

Full title  What my bones know - A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

Author : Stephanie Foo

Score : 9/10

Year : 2022

Publisher : Balantine Books  

ISBN  9780593238110 (ebook)  // 9780593238127 (based on trade paperback)

Pages : 352

Language: English

My long-time readers and friends already know that I struggle with multiple cptsd's and ptsd's, and that my intellectual aspect needs to understand my story, its background and always look for news ways to better cope, incorporating new knowledge. 

My psychotherapist found that I was pushing too much with this cerebral need, and requested that I take longer breaks in reading upon these topics, to give me more time to actually LIVE and FEEL, as I had to relearn sensory perceptions, among other things. So, I compromised and spaced my research about anything psychology and trauma-related, until my wife's cousin suggested this particular book : what my bones know, by Stephanie Foo, a memoir of her battles and healing from cptsd. 

One of this author's passages within this (e)book explains its title : 

Every cell in my body is filled with the code of generations of trauma, of death, of birth, of migration, of history that I cannot understand. . . . I want to have words for what my bones know.

As all other books about trauma, especially personal testrimonies such as this book, are filled with potential triggers. I didn't notice any listing within the ebook file, so I'll mention now the main ones : child abuse (both psychological AND physical, some passages are hard to read), mentions of suicide, and in view of Foo's passages discussing meals/foods, I'll add that my own carnophobia was triggered. If I recall, there were also a couple emetophobia + coprophobia triggers (I skimmed through these various lines each time).

After the ebooks cover, comes the usual title page, copyright, author's note, her prologue, and then her life and trauma stories, alongside with research into personal tools, therapies, interviews with teachers and other people in her quest to understand her diagnosis as well as sociocultural contexts that contributed to all her traumas, her parents and intergenerational issues. 

It is important to read the author's note, to understand the nature of this book, how difficult it can be to read about traumas, but her plea to at least try. Try I did, and in fear of any triggers, especially those relating to my own phobias and stories of abuse, I preferred reading far from any meal time.

Through Stephanie Foo's depictions, it reinfourced the fact that I'm not alone, sole case. Despite chore differences between our backgrounds, we both went through many abuses, resulting in some similar sequela : fears of abandonement, diffulties to trust, knowing what love is, self-image, erroneous self-narratives, skewed memories, familial estrangements and communication issues, having to learn better self-temper-control etc. In short, we each survived ordeals of child abuse, neglect and continual, repetitive traumas in situations of extreme imbalance in power dynamics, resulting in cptsd : complex post-traumatic "disorder", which I put as quotes, it's more of a logical response to these severe conditions that, without much initial support, often (but not always) results in this form of brain-shutdown and self-preservation. 

Contrary to expectations of a dry language, I found Stephanie's composition fluide, poignant but also filled with humour. Her background as a radio journalist, producer and editor have shown in the resulting narrative style. That is not to say that passages aren't hard to read, because they sure are - it's a lifetime of traumas and struggles that is told here, after all - but it could have been much tougher. 

In Foo's research, she talked with therapist, but also meditation coaches and scientists. Mentions of animal testing hurts to read, but the ones about human experimentation of various therapeutic tools as well as those relating to the biological effects of traumas were very interesting to learn about, as What my bones know is the most recent book on trauma that I've read, with the most current research mentionned. The neurological changes to the brain, the imact on the DNA (via the telomere) and the similarities between very different kinds of traumas were very intriguing.

I found two more aspects of Stephanie's own research to be distinct from other books I'd read thus far : not only intergenerational questions arose, but also those relating to her asian culture at large, and her own Malaysian background in particular, but also the misoginy and racism, both inherent in medical research, that some impacts are less known, or not at all. 

In short, What my bones know is a very good, powerful reading, a story of trauma, personal endeavours and some victories won by this courageous author, a real fighter who had to find balance between being a sword, and being a human who redirects emotions, letting herself feel some previously denied sentiments, and distance herself from multiple lies that were lived day in, day out, as a result of her traumatic life conditions. 

Tiny spoiler, there are two very touching emotional scenes in the last few chapters, I was moved to tears reading their beauty, a balance to the turmoil and anger I'd felt throughout the trauma narration. 

At the end of this (e)/book, you'll find links and resources - the advantage of an ebook is that they appear as hyperlinks, just click and open them in your browser ! 

I'll finish with the official book blurb, the one presenting it on any sales websites, or even goodreads and the like :  

By age thirty, Stephanie Foo was successful on paper: She had her dream job as an award-winning radio producer at This American Life and a loving boyfriend. But behind her office door, she was having panic attacks and sobbing at her desk every morning. After years of questioning what was wrong with herself, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD—a condition that occurs when trauma happens continuously, over the course of years.

Both of Foo’s parents abandoned her when she was a teenager, after years of physical and verbal abuse and neglect. She thought she’d moved on, but her new diagnosis illuminated the way her past continued to threaten her health, relationships, and career. She found limited resources to help her, so Foo set out to heal herself, and to map her experiences onto the scarce literature about C-PTSD.

In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations. Ultimately, she discovers that you don’t move on from trauma—but you can learn to move with it.

Powerful, enlightening, and hopeful, What My Bones Know is a brave narrative that reckons with the hold of the past over the present, the mind over the body—and examines one woman’s ability to reclaim agency from her trauma.